Dear you…. My not-so-unrequited crush

This isn’t exactly some kind of confession but honestly I’ve been thinking about you these past few days. Silly, right? Stay awake in the middle of the night, while remembering our sweet slash cute moments together. Well if we can called those as moments. And to make it worse I kept listening to Wendy - Because I Love You. The lyrics are kind of telling how I’m feeling about you. Well not all of it, just some part like "I miss you but I can’t go close to you, I need to leave you now. You, who gave me such big and warm love into my lonely and dry eyes". And "I am only giving you scars but some day, you will understand my heart".

I never knew that I could harbor some feeling for you, because in the beginning of our friendship we always fight. Even the smallest things would make us argue for hours and then we would ignore each others presence for days. You always dislike my actions, calling me names and probably thought that I’m an evil witch. Because of that, we didn’t spoke for months. Our pride made us unwilling to say sorry first. But in the end, you were the first to apologize and you said let’s not fight anymore. May be you were tired with our childish arguments but I knew the reason why’d you apologizing. And it made me a little bit disappointed actually.

Despite the fact that we were in peace, still we couldn’t act friendly towards each other. Few months after that, I got into a relationship and what strange was that we’ve become closer. At first you haven’t know that I had a boyfriend and that boyfriend was our senior. Did you remember the first time you held my hand? I can say that was happened in the wrong time and wrong place. Our whole class was gathered at a friend’s house and we were sitting side by side. But that was so cute, we were playing a foolish game and suddenly you held my hand and when I was trying to detach our hands, you kept holding it. It was a secret we would never tell anyone well until now. Hehehehe. And did you remember our moments in the beach?  Running around together just like in the movies, talked about unimportant things but those were like dreams came true for me because those things happened in the beach, a really perfect place for all romantic things. You even searched for beautiful seashells and then gave its to me. I was so happy that I forgot those seashells were still alive and after a week in my room, those seashells rot and made my bedroom smell so bad. I got scold by my sister because of that. Hahahaha. I told you about that seashells incident and you said next time you would give me the dead ones. You’ve already know that I had a boyfriend and I was wondering why’d you still wanted to do those things for me. Well I still wonder now.

The most memorable moment for me was the one that happened in New Year’s eve. I’ve just broke up with my boyfriend and I was feeling so heart-broken. But there you are, with your shining armor came to rescue me (omg I’m so cheesy). You were the very first person that knew about the broke up thing. You listened so intently to every word that I’ve said and just asked “why”? You know what I like about you is you’ve always so rational. You didn’t take sides and the most important is you didn’t judge. I’m so grateful that you were there when I needed someone to pour out my frustration.

Lots of moments we’ve been through together, but that didn’t make our relationship became more special. We were still the awkward friends that never text each other but could have a very deep conversation when we were feeling like it. And separation indeed grew us apart, even though it was just a short one. When we met again, the only words you’ve said was “I heard that you’ve closed with someone”. I didn’t know how to react, I’ve no idea that you’ve hurt but I was trying to convince you that I wasn’t close with anyone, through my gestures of course.

I know I was selfish the moment I decided to have a relationship (again) with someone else, I never considered how you would feel about that. But like everyone said, you never made a move and how long should I wait until you realized that we were more than just friends. I was happy with that someone (really happy actually), then you were trying to find your own happiness. I never knew your motives nor I accused you for trying to make me jealous but it was kind of hard to accept the fact you’ve already found a happiness but without me in the picture.

I just want to thank you for always being there when I needed shoulders to lean on because I never said thank you to you right? And to think back to all those years, I never expected you’ll still stand with your happiness. May be we never meant to each other and may be you need something to trigger you to find your own happiness. After all I’m so happy for both of you and I know you’ll treat your happiness right. Oh I don’t need to mention any names because once you read this, you’ll know that I’m talking about you my-not-so-unrequited crush. I did have a feeling for you or still do? I don't understand but every time I rewind all those memories, I'm feeling all warm inside. Those moments are priceless.